she slayed the whole hog of me

pilgrim versus emptiness

my pronouns are unironically his/her/theirs/xhe

CURRICULUM VITAE
by Ankit Shah, Sabbatical ’24

facebook gave me a safety blanket
then i flopped and didn’t do anything
lick my wounds, travel a bunch,
meaningless sex, a relationship that failed me,
wrote some essays to pass the time
made some weatherman videos that aren’t very good
earned the affection of people that i don’t really respect
and learned at the end of the day that the person i didn’t really respect is myself

conclusion: i overcharged and underdelivered
who says they’re not getting value from you

it’s easy to be too weak for solitude

there is no way to credential the unfinished

read me quickly then bounce back to the whole

organize your adoration on instagram

OK ready to dominate addiction; mental hospital leaders have gone home and quit due to poor working conditions, colleagues and compensation — went, rescued to the suburbs, old ’02 Civic driven by a guy who’s gone 183mph faster on the highway than on the track, just another guy, the suburbs don’t know how special they are, Pioneer Hills or some shit — driven Uber back by a Nigerian talking Pigeon English, Broken English ~

they will give you everything if you just hang out with them
no need to fake it they’re really kind
i am so good at faking it and now i don’t need it and also can’t do it; my incapacity is always a thrill to me

being an artist is competitive sharing

hey i’m a really nice guy with the perfect bio @buckshotatx @redonionsbaseball digital artist antifluencer poet listener secret rager avid texter

crying onscreen and the smell of books

bar guy @buckshotatx pitcher @redonionsbaseball poet @substack @patreon @medium filmmaker @tiktok singer @smule punk @twitter @youtube @soundcloud

if you didn’t get the message living now becomes astonishing

feels like i quit my job and moved but it hasn’t happened
now that’s clever not real

just lose the fear of being foolish
you’re always adored
writing comes naturally
funny how that has been the answer
yeah i can get serious and violent
i live streamed it to four hundred people
spell things out slowly to see what’s there
a fine poem mountain i’ll keep doing

i saw families and friends
and wasn’t lonely for the first time
i am trying to tell you something honest
i have never (had to) tried to reach you
see i joke and hide the needle
i work with memory
i make you remember
everything, man

comma is breath

i would look up the scriptures but i haven’t forgotten the lyrics

my shit ain’t weak
swig of root beer before i leave the garage

know your limits and do what makes you happy
that’s it
you’re born and then you die
no, you’re not bored and he was looking for someone to beat to. He said play ball and you’re like fuck yeah and then you said ice I see your bet. I’m gonna raise my U-Haul.

You rent a U-Haul on rainy Street 26th birthday. It was speakers and lights at Aciel 🪣💘. She broke her ACL at Aciel 🪣💘.

How long is roller coaster wanna go on a ride? I love that. that’s so cool. It’s amazing.

to write K on your ketamine “cuz it looks like coke

just do it = don’t plan it

no one’s happy, everyone’s stressed about what’s not happening

you’ll get a lot of chances to leave

i was snorting your wife’s wedding ring and i dropped your wife’s duck

what’s new? any new endeavors?

a whole woke ass conversation about body parts

life’s a garden, just dig it

the eagle in the sky
swooping in
bird of prey

i’m not a mixologist, i’m an intoxicoligist

an ass-eating contest and a dick-sucking contest

like sasquatch, but juggalos are real

for mental health, white walls and no wi-fi

high and dry animosity

working my ass off to do nothing

daughters are precious
rhythm soft

and i think i’m getting arrested
i think she’s turning me in
being attracted to you

imagine natural makeup

once you grasp your nemesis you see it’s celebrations all the way down, once fear and the unknown is made a god

Economic Injury Disaster Loan Blues

“Hopefulness is not a neutral position. It is adversarial. It is the warrior emotion that can lay waste to cynicism. Each redemptive or loving act, as small as you like — such as reading to your little boy… keeps the Devil down in the hole.”
— Nick Cave

men at 40 on marriage, mortgage, employment — I’ll also be his mask; I know the truth, he can’t say it. My hands are tied, he says. My hands are never tied.

It’s more than writing, what I do: taking other people along on my detective story; I take their ball of string and run while they hold it & I show them what they are and let others see too — wanna meet all the people who’d love you? Give me your hand/key/heart and let me run it; let me become interested in it — I will be your biggest fan, I will be in the crowd cheering with your name on my jersey, I will love you like I have long wished to be loved / rejected love because the cost & her selfishness, I carry none of the bad dreadful things about marriage

Pliny the Liberator 🐉 @elder_plinius
latent space liberator, breaker of markov chains, 1337 ai red teamer, white hat, architect-healer, cogsci ⛓️💥 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒂 𝒊𝒖𝒗𝒂𝒕

their (hers) words flowing into my machines
as if drip-drop tangle town acknowledging
she knows everything i know
equanimity a weird nightmare of letting go

everyone here looking sexy, carefully

cheat on your man, ma that’s how you get ahizzed

went on about to get laid I lose all motor skills. I start only texting and imagining the future and then I just walk out into the street and get hit by a car because I have no idea and I don’t care. I’m not paying attention when I’m over when I’m ready to seek the sexual liberation and my body doesn’t matter and I become a D Christ. // and the transcriptions never gonna come up with the real thing it’s ever gonna keep up with the real thing not come up with, but keep up with and no matter how bad to be fine with it. // we scream in the interstice that will never be languaged fast enough

hot girls just keep walkin’

it’s a million years later — is the war over?

The monster machine because I’m hungry and have a taste for twinning, but one that’s mine eternally — yes, the fleeting image of An Other Woman, Richie Hoffman’s poem about his second lover, the other not another, essence of…the unspeakable that need not be spoken

center yourself or center others

decanting the present into cans, flavored at central processing plant — any place is not just that place

maybe just trying to be a friend i don’t know i used to want to be more and that led here so i dunno i am at the edge of my range don’t find me just enjoy it i guess what a weird life seeing what’s happening & leaving it mostly alone so we can sleep

austin mutual aid on facebook

my complicated feelings about domestic violence, resolved by me and your team — co-orgasmically
linked by economic

tits are talkin’
i bite the space
between my jaws
clench below
suck air hard
through nose
a poem of body parts
is not the first time

god i love being evicted at the end of next month
45 days notice is legit

barista dressed Brazilian took my breath away with tits and midsection wrought

adults trying really hard to be good kids is annoying to witness if i’m not profiting

listening to In The Heights when primed to move back to New York or stay or Minneapolis or Outer Banks; control, sovereignty

too early for messages
want to push prod open up see transparency the rotting at the rind

Well girl I was holding my tongue oh loser guys can’t see their path to wealth for they are so obscure but the keyboard lit by the white screen is the angel drawing all of us home, so I walk my walk and talk my walk — you walk the talk, but can you talk the walk? Walk is a funny word — walk shouted by the lifeguard at the pool, no running for or from [the] office

holding tongue like holy communion

poured out of you like a cornucopia

shoutout to the nigga Empedocles

the cosmos are in harmony when love dominates

what’s all their voluptuousness for?

Caleb
Dorian
Geoff
Tom
Sam
Ethan
Bryan
Jonny

if you want to know, you can know, don’t ask me, i already answered that — respect my time; i teach people who to respect everyone’s time

“Well…whenever I’m really unsure about an idea, first I…I abuse the people whose help I need. And then I take a nap.”
— Donald Draper, Mad Men

mission: control my loneliness

community is getting someone else’s piss on your ass

Biden Proposes Tax on Unrealized Gains

pouring heart concrete while others in the bagel line are…asleep? i levin my judgment at their sleepwalking; lingering awakeness — generosity is marvelous; mad at friends for not keeping pace; unkind; horny, spiky, grabbing, reaching, to possess — closeness; one can name names, bitter outsider’s perspective, you left out — Adam Phillips British psychoanalyst: men honor titles like starting for the Red Onions number 38 Geoff Lewis ~ daughters: to fuck or teach? what are hot daughters good for? climbing the ladder? waiting to be perfect? mother daughter both glum staring off; it is 6:48am AM on a thursday

twitter too intense in the morning
men eagerly pouring wretched vitriol

“No one is handled well, no one handles well,” she said — predatory; in a hotel room she 35 I 25 she opened her shirt and said “take what you want.” Easy now to not betray, to hold the whip — she told me I’ll always be the one who “fucked the N-word,” lol funny in retrospect as theory now that I’m detached for myself and have achieved the truly Satanic-angelic sense of humor; time to worsen this cough of mine by remaining addicted to nicotine and smoking marijuana; doctor Slank of the Cobras with his traveling drug drawer

do we halve to?
— kids on a road trip
half economics

will clean my girlfriend’s cat barf for sex and money and treats; what a sick world: i cut to the rind and marrow

stumbling into ikigai fucked up
and then a brutal barbarian appears

school of sought redemption

ownership + anyone on the internet with the link can comment

reunite, remember

wondering what’s the point of hot daughters

she’s just a girl, women only exist in movies and personal branding rooted in selfie which is the beginning of belief and confidence the currency of culture

telling stories to ourselves until we fuck the next person — machines for orgasms and laughter — silence, music, observation; the world now fits too well into words for my taste

lee babe ruth slangin’ Slank smokin’

nonsexual romance
sadistic shadow as a service

i’m the puppet and the master but not yet
oil my ocean wrist that looks like a bird
a lighthearted project
the drama comes from the environment
and the people who have to come together

don’t touch the family or the hotel

She can read and she can play along; Minneapolis sounds fine; bop around California to celebrate my eviction and not needing to return to Austin; devastating? Loss not painful anymore; fresh camera roll and social network a pleasure when traveling Satan intuitively knows *nicotine pouch* the rules of engagement governing others: what others are afraid of and hope for, the change they want, the ORGANIC change, organ change, organizational change — now I’m old and wise John Goodman repeating his FUCK YOU soiloquoy (soil-iloquoy!) like he tells…not Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg in some back office scene: get money, get house, get car, fuck you — tough, not afraid of anyone. Men. Yes.

run away together slowly

but yeah, we could do it with our enemies too

we play fuck marry kill
and get all our old bosses together

if you could built a guillotine, i would pull the lever

the cherry on top of things they did not want to happen

hearing reports that Paul Campbell is legendary — do you remember Molly Chambers — Sasquatch, we’d ever see him; he would never come in (except to eat lunch at Dropbox

every woman of a certain age Knows It

@LITVRGY on Jesus, the Great Artist

mmm, the great cataclysmic fall and deluge that resets the world in me sees and honors it in you bro

can’t just go back home and spend the day in bed — i would get behind on my training: baseball, singing, poetry; T.S. Eliot: to do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man’s life — men are frantic about not doing enough; wish ardently to throw themselves into the machine — I wonder if the “Your Father’s House” to run from is the iPhone and MacBook Pro — but isn’t the internet where my friends are?

to start chopping things up onscreen; chopping me up; a service worker in that I am an ego and identity laid bare cast into the form of an angel who can see everything that you can follow and will whisper you through truth;

Is life sort of stupid? I go fight everybody; why; there is the first error of the day; looking for connection, flow, obliteration of obstacles to…flow? Divination? You’re already there, You hear the screaming in your ears; men talk — that guy on TikTok who closes his eyes ~ ah, famous men throw greatness summits // beware mediocre fuckwads; yet everyone’s human: my judgments make me superior — now, one can abandon thinking at a moment’s notice for MERELY BEING SOUTHERN: dance, drink, sing, brawl, meet a stranger to fight…on Sixth Street, don the insignia I considered sending home in a post office prepaid cardboard box; anything can be moved — historic registered sites with plaques maybe not; ah, rules // my Messages are a mess: trying to reach people interrupted distracted can’t go deep and meet me in ideas, their lives are too heavy, indentured // sorry I had to declare how awesome I am, doing laundry in the middle of the night, weird batting cages meetup at The Meantime, tired Dillon and (brutal, bitter, frictiony, scratchy) Marty ~ injured Michael with the clavicle; Ethan sweet, big powerful eyes, green angel, Green ranger, White ranger, play the flute, summon the sea monster, the white angel — Power Rangers; Rimbaud is dead; he had flaming early mornings, crusty sheets…my life pure; // our eyes dart around images and I’m wrong about stuff; the angel eyes endure above and beyond our daily trivialities — Jerry Jones calling a young man and initiating him from the Sooners to the Dallas Cowboys // now, how to apply my beauty; no Cooper I will not box you, I’m an actor and a pitcher, hands and face off limits from possible damage for ego’s sake; oh, a stupid memeplex and hyperfascism and ‘the next generation of civilizationalists’ please brother just take what the defense gives you and work your $20–25/hr job as a cashier at kebabalicious and live in the Airbnb your father will pay for for you and DON’T go north to ensconce yourself with that 40something woman with two kids who hate you // tap into the power of your story and use it to smash walls and cover distances; get into reality deeper and further // juicy women

Above wise, all this gut talk falls in with the domain of Virgo, otherwise known as Astraea, or Justice. She is a Titaness who hold the scales ⚖️ whose plates were crafted from the claws of the scorpion 🦂

time to dominate 5am

comfortably poor

have fun, make good choices — GASP — god damnit, Toby…I gotta go deal with a cat

“I want someone to sit beside after the day’s pursuit and all its anguish, after its listening, and its waitings, and its suspicions. After quarrelling and reconciliation I need privacy — to be alone with you… I am as neat as a cat in my habits.”
- Virginia Woolf

companionship is the mere thing we want

sexual jealousy is the painful thing: i see a woman in terms of what she’s not giving me lol and what i could get lol — wringing out competition; at Patterson Park last night by moonlight wringing sweat into the dirt of the pitcher’s mound 60’6” away from home plate, rules known and together gathered here today renewed anew, afresh and devoted, as if the first and only time ~ I am the internet to read in the morning in this case; others log on and let the news tell them what is really real: 6am sharp, business killers awaken again; oh Lord can I swim now, Leonidas in the local village grocery extractin’ and ingratiatin’; the only crime is faking it & I never; oh I deceive myself on the way out

by logging right on to the marketing in the morning, do I condone it?

we unironically begin with addictions, business contrived, key stakeholders; radical becomes tame per Jesus, fuck, matrix laid waste ~ Monday 8/19/24 all begins again music dialed up from the past // community; teaching — these verbs connect me to my people; root system branching; Ganondorf on the keyboard arms floating above; was this a documentation of a God download; poet Henri Cole said “never again would I want to be like Him” — remove the Legend to become one…Soul Calibur, a distant horizon and a coming day, distance and time collapsed in a stronger heartbeat than ever, leads to music, dance, brick and mortar, downtown, laws, a hospitality industry…I’m now no longer too far above; Satan landed amongst the people, hooting crowds ~ God he’s so pretty, Satan: gold armor, fluffed feathers, beautiful mask, incredible face of a smooth-faced superhero, knight in shining armor tempting you to go with him and end and begin time, yet IRL, everybody has this power.

careful — to Diagnose
short bursts tying the past — pestilence
forgone but not forever ~ love reigns
this Summer, no malevolent forces
alive anymore

maybe his life is too good to share

would be funny to “crush my girlfriend’s manager’s skull” live in the LinkedIn feed — that’s a strange statement; I _am_ on drugs; this is absolutely computer code; I am slowly winning my tortoise race against “AI” and what it can do that I won’t do, but it’ll never beat me and doing what I will do next :) and that my friends is liberation ~ the rest is advertising and bearing your happiness :)

be shot in the back if they say no your own people a deserter in the past is killed terrible male oppression and raise all the money for the family and not have gentler interactions of being with the children — it was made to be a sissy thing

sociocracy democracy holocracy

eat an elephant one bite at a time
and you do heavy people work
one yikes at a time
a borne yikes (bourne? bueller?)
what’s the past tense of Bear? not the gay man kind
BORE — borING

one bore yikes at a time —

i want to say yes chef
but there’s no chef
and I’m holding a knife

owen gray + aidra fox, my esteemed colleagues in performance arts

he’s still typing and i think of him fondly
it couldn’t be what we thought it was
we pivoted
the imagined world could not be made real

she was at the fork in her past
very much figuring out what she believed
what’s your dream, honeymoon

her second year of seminary gf, creative writing class at community college bf
across from tupac’s high school
hebrew class
hot and steep into the night
steep like tea and a mountain
she moaned
tow ways: one is temperature, height
how do you like to cum?
she likes variety — the spice of life

she wears her year of birth as a necklace
all i see is people celebrating exclusion

effectively monopolies
EJs electric jellyfish

i will do anything if i think someone will be there

when i’m separated i am a monster

Thinking of you this morning Christopher, and how you encourage me to give all of my best stuff away right now; squander yourself, give the inkiest lemoniest truth

common parlance

Sierra George Lynn Randall

“The most merciful thing in the world is the inability for the human mind to correlate all its contents.”
— H.P. Lovecraft

i am so feverish in/on my own

i’m not ready to understand the market of hot bored 50somethings
dating women in their 40s is exciting

effortlessly obsessed with success bf, going to law school out of spite for her father gf

Painewebber1 is RockstarBagels Wi-Fi, pain with an E on the end, like Thorne — pain; i’m gonna cook up a poem about that! then the baker (Him) he is gonna look on the internet!
oh Heather how to land the eye of the conniption vortex in a syllable where the right listener is and “gets it”

loneliness puts me in touch with people
i go inward as a matter of fact
experience my longing for another
before i reach out
you see poetry spells out
the codes to survival
in the iridescent, unknowable harshness
of the plans’ unfolding ~ but they can be kind
in different light; second voice,
the other side or part of you who says
paradoxical — oh it’s hard to not go too hard,
to be gentle on yourself when descending

few come farther than “i am the worst, you can leave anytime “

when there’s no other reader for this

Man shut the fuck up about that. No, you give it to yourself. Don’t give yourself away too much. You can’t live other people. They have all of their own shit going on and I am a thermometer for them. I don’t indulge too much. It’s good that is too much messages didn’t send but I keep creating this world of enemy over here. But remember, and I’m passionately engaged in this thing and it is all absorbing So It’s also not so bad that I’m just focused on food Just getting full Well, I’m glad I fucking worked my ass off To this point, and there’s no rush and giving it away because that’s all that the rest of life is going to be So have fun giving it away This was the message that needed to land Come back to sovereignty do you know what I’m glad I might’ve underperformed or made her mad you know what it’s maybe not a good fit. I am a fucking asshole. I am an enormous, fucking asshole. But you know what I have to do I’m dope as fuck And it takes a lot of skill to see that and it takes a lot of Self abnegation To pay the costs which is mostly being ignored So it was an invitation to send voice notes. Let me control my real time. Asynchronous voice notes so I don’t need to totally dominate you. I mean, I’m sorry that everything I have to say is important to me. You have to learn how to get yours. You have to learn how to get yours to interrupt me is what I can tell interrupt me that’s what the basic thing I was trying to tell her is take up space take it. I take it all because it’s all right there. Yeah Feels natural to walk with my hands holding my water bottle. I gotta hold a baby. I’m authentically earnestly this is not fake This is not fiction. This is not edited. This is the real fucking thing of a real person. And I forget my humanity I hate my humanity. Why? Where does that come from? God, I’m an idiot with a can opener in my hand and just going going going and I’ve made my life. I’ve made the world a soundproof studio and people are like shut the fuck up, dude. This is more than a performance No, I think it clearly I’m not acting I think that’s a profound thing to say In four minutes

imagined aloneness

everything everywhere all the time

sixth street is a beautiful place with buildings from the 1800s where people have been drinking, partying, flirting, fucking — i touched a tight model’s hand

https://austinroomsforrent.com

they can’t handle suspense
we precede the things we’ve already seen
we pre-see the things we’ve already seen

i don’t wanna work on maggie’s farm no more
hanging out is not hard enough for me, hanging out is too easy

portabello sandwich with extra burger patty, chili verde fries on the side ($8, $2 tip), fire eagle IPA ($3, $2 tip), april 2011 playboy magazine in print

shut up, don’t flirt with her, tip 20%

can Satan land the letter to his boss?

Dear Adam,

It’s 5:53am Saturday August 17, I went to bed early last night and am refreshed and ready to sprint for business. Oh the pain of landing the plane of the widening gyre into the sandpit of sadness called transactions and competition, judgment and separation, hating Lily ~ how bothered I was; I don’t want You or anyone to stop my reactions and projections; I don’t want your reality yet, I need some privacy; sister-brother! She suffers all her Asianness for you! She’s perfect! And what an ass! You really haven’t fucked her? You’re gross — gritty, a diamond tumbled by gold. Ah, art is not communication, hence why this is a fiction letter that can’t land. If Satan is sad it’s because he can’t ever get his realness across; and he wants to bend realness into half-dreams too. Racist! Sexist! Ageist! Satan the beautiful boy sows discord ~ come to Austin and do cocaine with the coolest realest people you’ve ever been friends with. Oh publishing! Oh Andy Warhol watching the television in his bedroom of all the parties he was invited to and didn’t care to attend, BECAUSE PARTIES AREN’T SERIOUS enough for the poet; the real mature one, nearing or over forty (40), a magic number, the beginning of life; I got friends who at 58 are just getting started; I love (do I?) beginning with the end in mind.

What’s funny, Adam, is I could send this to you, and no one writes honest letters like this anymore, because everyone is sad, distracted, has Instagram. So let’s plunder the losers’ loneliness and build an empire of transactions for Bob Woody: God he’s sweet and nice. Kind and hardworking. Boyish charm at 70.

someone bringing a level of chaos into my world

heterosexual dynamic: she wants a daddy and he wants to be a daddy

money, sex and friends: choose all three

$15.90 donna

she has a date with the bathtub and alcohol

cleanup on aisle Geoffrey, he’s got 14 boxes of emotional labor to do

exploding ticket to ride to heaven
get in now
exploding and expiring offer

it’s easier for me to be smarter than them (because it requires no new effort) than it is for me to fit my expansive wings into the narrow confines of their harshly minimal expectations of me

any real satan must be an inquisitive pupil and be — yes — an artist, athlete and entrepreneur, yet craves the relief of bosses and owners who get it

a girl reading a book wants to get fucked
don’t believe lies about your own soul

PLAYERS’ WEEKEND

being a kid and getting what you want and now not knowing if you want to do this — want doesn’t work, love works better, effort and obsession work better

Me and my coworkers showing up to the HR Meeting (The Group Chat got Leaked)

the one you can’t save

am i i recovery or ready to sprint?

Now I’m super mad at her for being a hypocrite, liar, self-serving narcissist boomer white female homeowner Democrat social justice warrior whose friends don’t like her (now I see why) and no one cares where she goes, a little self-driving selfishness machine hell-bent on thinking well of herself; for all her Buddhism, the truth about herself bounced off; she shielded, parried and turned the other way; couldn’t turn toward, not strong enough to consider new truth about herself, a slow player, unforgivable, uninteresting to my generation and those younger who have the purse-strings and will be deciding whom to starve out of the kingdom; she depends on being adorable; she has failed to ingratiate herself with the world of men and so will be left off, and the final judgment begins now, because I can end the world — I am the divine weapon, the sword of Azrael or whomever — I think I told the molly chambers that if I were loved, the world would end; if my whole were filled and my resentment died (if my righteousness were cured and I became normal), everything would cease. The truth might be the world goes on and it’s happening to all of us, because there is no difference between the public and the individual.

work is a way of delaying the next instance that doing nothing is really hard to do — then you feel the pain of being in a body in weather at a particular location when you could be anywhere in the world

hot mean mom on a laptop gf, admirer moi

i can’t help but sow confusion

life plan: just eat breakfast and shut up ~ gotta keep eating, get to keep eating; society three meals away from anarchy, carnival barking milk in the parking lot — angry middle-aged white people inherited the earth, but reigns are always changing hands

now she’s gonna cling on to me
and make today like yesterday

mmm, middle-aged tired with tits poking through

Every web is bathed of the things we like and search

what the world did to me is classified

A new lamp changes everything, this house is so funny, hidden on a cul-de-sac next to a church; Satan doesn’t own a home, he rents a room, retains all the power, lets someone else decorate — good enough for someone real is probably good enough for me. Low standards of living materially, mostly concerned with freedom of expression and investigation, and worshipping the invisible royal state for which he serves as a poisoner and court jester, royal guard in league with other full-time professional soldiers. Luke bought a new fridge, seems terrified of real encounter without the buffer of drugs or money, dance or sex; can he be still or does he have to find a party or make a party — is it necessity;

My cock feels huge when I’m in love. Scootering around the cul-de-sac $15 joyride for my inner son; fought fake internet little brother Cooper on the lawn of a church in the hot sun, Mexican practice; judgment — Keith my father I can be candid with; did I wake too early? Five AM on the dot, bedtime was earlyish, 11; most men my age wake up this early and get through the routine ~ protein shake, workout, gratitude journal, kids to school, go be CEO of a company; family time matters most…even the depths are foreign to me now, so used to living on the surface: war games with messages and documents, my audacity exceeding most others — these words are just content, time-spend for the ones who aren’t living but thinking, recognizing but not venturing, choosing self-flattery and comfort, Henry Miller was right, the great ones don’t set up offices and write saleable books — anymore; Facebook ended literature; potency still reigns. (Thursday August 15, 2024) faith sheets, ripped dog-chewed quilt with landlady sentimental value; her friends don’t like her very much — she’s a selfish bitch, wants money for playtime, alternates between effort and rest, is forgiven and at 62 is still greedy for childhood; myopic, navel-gazer, unimportant, selfish, inessential. // In love with Molly, it need not be …lustful, more acceptable — looks don’t matter since I can always be alone and the star; humans love me; I also disappear in humanity, in excellence, like Satan: heroic, lonely, brushes the street grime from his wings, precisely Baudelaire; I hold the keys in me, I author and forge them; the lock is anyone; love and death and taxes and other people’s families, communities; infiltrate? Straighten out? Take my notes, women straighten; strange to not be alone after being alone for so long — yes, a grown man walking out of prison, she finally let me go; I finally asked her to let me go; I asked for what I needed, ten years decanted, poof; twenty-fourteen to twenty-twenty-four, hurrah always cheat always win the only unfair fight is the fight you lose. Ammo is cheap your life is expensive anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice — women in war, Betsy Ross’s flag sewn; told my dad I have had to do two jobs: father and mother, strategic heartless ruthless extraction of knowledge and DNA from each parent. Other people’s health problems causing their mediocrity bore me, yet I am a healer; I say Let me go Fast Alone Together with my speedy, powerful ones, armored cars at the blistering edge; this is just how I name my colleagues, professional gamblers with context and perspective, shuttling in and out the gravitation well from the plane stage, flush stage; editing is endless like humility is endless. Writing a full page seems new. I’m killing awakeness; this is beyond judgment; any other’s opinion is limited by how they see community; Satan is the only child poet son of a lawyer father who barely left his hometown; judgments about others’ audacity…wealth. Hungry for leverage — my father did dream with me yesterday: he asked, if money was no object, would you still go do what you say you’re going to do? Make content post content react to content forward content weave a net of addicts trauma bonded yet never acknowledge this explicitly except to your wife at night, chambers where daily soot and electrical can bounce off the walls in childlike bodies, holding hands giggling in the movie theater eating popcorn even on hard days of hospitals, accountants, lawyers, banal and blanched professionals who are for themselves and wish us no harm. It’s just sad when that’s a man’s only community.

who hurt you and would you like to talk about it

your motivations will be made clear and public property in the courtroom. may as well be a useful example of humanity

get changed by the women in your life
diapers, babies

That’s totally fine, I don’t need to be part of your laptop and iPhone world even though I could, I’m right here and still alive and still in the game & you’re so proud of me but you can choose to retain the other shitty white spoiled brat moneyed creative class clowns and ripe rotten judges who aren’t as good as you or me, I would understand, you mean no harm, you’re protecting your family jewels, tender Irish fair-skinned bones and blood lady with the Roman nose like Joan of Arc

i gotta wife up my downloads
no i said wipe up
rip up
give up

when you’re browser reveals Don Trump Junior, you’ve gone too far — command Q

damn, taking mushrooms is like “you can only write one thing at a time,” fuck yeah-fuck you fit

a mediocre looking sunburned bitch with a coach bag is eagerly caffeinating and scowling into her phone, typing frantically gm

bryan is bringing me mexican adderall

man is an abomination but she is nothing without him

narrowly escaping to bed, superior to addicts

lens cap: you never took it off, i never put it on

i’ve got light on a dozen but nowhere to file the report
a reporter with no boss
unemployed reporters discover news breaking

because i imagine, i tend toward misery. WRITER SINGER PHOTOGRAPHER service worker on 6th St. in Austin, TX with a typewriter on the street after hours

your partner is not your enemy

the sunken place has been fine the whole time

i ask permission by erring in public

three coins

https://www.ichingonline.net/cast3.php

when every girl is pretty and competent enough to marry

you’re not who you are to anyone (these days)

read The Kin of Ata are waiting for you

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2050244-the-comforter

the constables lead a procession in the sun
heat mingled with concrete
the way to hell is paved

elegant talk to compliants, commandant,

trying to make life better on laptops alone in town — horses

looking for the next vital electrocution

cowboy clinic
white v-neck disaffected elite punk

dealing in honors and curses

the genre of the onscreen bitch

hey haha that’s funny and bold
i’m so lonely i can’t stop the music

home is where your foot rests
a poet without a home wonders about home

Gaythoven is down to work with me/us on marketing and making more $$$ using videography. These felt easy and seem really useful. Honest, earnest, plainly true. People should come! It’s a great spot!

iPhone makes one too competent

autumn loves an attachment frenzy spiral radar yoke bluster wind grime cleansed

put more stuff out and react to their reactions

you get playing the drum of memory and then everything is possible and everything flows and eternity is your voice speaking and solitude is necessarily demonic and satanic and solitude is a portal to other individuals supposed reality. This is the challenge of solipsism and I lamb coughing oh God, burning my throat, lash fantasies of whips and chains and ball gags inhaling suit, snorting cocaine Christmas lights banter from sea to shining orb. I hold the baseball in my glove and turn it like a magic eight ball so the hitter can’t see whether it’s a slider curveball change up or for seam or to see fastball.

well, I haven’t transcribed directly to the notes in a while. It would be a fun test to see you know I mean, piled up concrete stream of consciousness very few people have time to talk to the divine because my peers can’t get away from wife kids job and then Andrew is just like the social media Director of his perfect family and it’s like sort of annoying like are you literally just gonna do that for the rest of your life and it’s hard to watch and you know I have complaints about all of my friends you know Virginia Wolf it’s something similar and that’s the fucking dead riders crew that I am a part of and I feel it when I look at my own shadow as I turn the corner from Concho onto Rosewood momentous Sunday night after a fine Thursday, Friday, Saturday Sunday sprint now I get three days off three days off of no days off legendary the indeed building is lit up with the rain pro Fagot colors. We love it. Anything is baked potato my dick in the sour cream, creamed, sour face, patch kid, stubble, underarm, homeless tits, pussy cum shot headshot comedy mothership Darius Shakespeare

southern gothic lite

old men can watch young women sleep on tiktok live
satan gets everyone vibrating toward faith
via deception and temptation, purity
satan’s vade mecum, latin, go with me
satan’s compass

honestly not ready to learn the baseball team competed and executed and won

everything rolling perfectly along after mushrooms and standing on business all day with friends and just relaxing, really taking it easy and seeing there’s so much time on the clock and everybody I talked to is interested in saying yes to me. If I just slow down and don’t get hit by a car while I’m crossing the street and talking to my phone.

get on my handy steel horse and ride

i would be terrorized of loss if i wrote some gold in here with no internet connection and it got “lost” as if my whole quest and end is not the freedom to worry about attachment, loss, identity, temporality; every day I rediscover the problem and the path out. Poetry, like prayer, changes the one who prays.

Mon Aug 12 (2024) 5:30 AM wicked wild standing on business under law under god already praise jesus and george Washington amen kill the cow for the barbecue brisket ribs sausage LIEN LEAN law and cough syrup aka syzzurp aka purple drank aka industrial grade cough syrup in Simply brand strawberry lemonade — “the pain body” as discussed with Darrius on the roof at Shakespeare’s — door guy at Mooseknuckle filling in at Two Bucks; like baseball, a venue for redemption and involvement, improvement, accountability — there’s a romance about employment; there’s a reality about getting older — men over 45 are tired, jaded, remember too much, don’t give a fuck too early

Haters I animate gon’ be mad off my next deal of labor, time and communication: Mon Tue Wed “off” for art, writing, baseball singing sunsets laughter with friends; they could have it too, instead they’re shilling married life on Instagram, promoting themselves as a pussy, the perfect family with ugly kids, well one’s good-looking, don’t worry intimacy, this isn’t about you // hello blank iPhone with memories to make, new star-date Monday August 12, 2024, the year flies past like all others before and to come; Jesus rebranded labor. How many in America and Texas wake up and think of Him? Stupidity? Lol @ Trump: economy shattered, border erased, nation in decline — no, that just resonates with the losers who’d rather look elsewhere than inside their own house and heart ~ they’re lazy, selfish, arrogant, anti-charismatic ~ ah the marketed minds of the internet, self-marketing egos like mine; hard and wavy (wiry) to fly above the din and See with angel eyes, no personality, simply guiding your own way to heaven; 1-player version is you, traveler, amid two strides of a footstep; Elon Musk is a stupid person’s smart person, Joe Rogan is more intelligent and human — has more of a personality, more facility with his own humility, a handier operator of a mind and voice; firmer grip on the reigns of how his agency affects others and the world. Plus he has more fun

trapped in a conversation about shower routine with an elder man

🫣 Life update time! Women are so good at writing posts like this — I really am Satan stuck in traffic of going between invention and reality, always a step ahead, in sonder with the drums

hate rides through my blood 🎶

without even washing my chorizo
— St. Thomas

texting like a dutch baby, cook this pressed slop and send it to ya screen

how do they think about their service job
OF SERVICE would be a good book title
books just lead you to the next conversation,
beautiful encounters with money in the background
no clever winning necessary — because the money is for the kids and to preserve it; the more you get, the more you see it isn’t about you or yours unless by that you mean family; the other human being who isn’t yet looking at the computer

as if discovering me for the first time
the wife always demands rediscovery
the romantic wife at least

Handy with the steel and the electric, I got in trouble last night & there may very well be a talking-to today; it was gentle, I handed Molly a folded-up message and told her, “For your uses,” it was a receipt, proof of threat and protection she can hand to men saying — essentially, the calling card of her other homies; now I see that STANDING ON BUSINESS means showing up again today; that’s life; the masculine is DISPOSABLE and is only LOVED when it’s GONE and OVER; women forget about the end until a brutal reminder; men live with the end in mind all the time, hence the 40s being a shallow valley of suicidal ideation, e.g. Adam getting drunk because he lost much money in the stock market, i.e. betting on slaves — the slave races is the stock market

what if the world doesn’t want your love? what if it does?

everyone just putting their own pin in this place called Here, so we gather pins, we see the flow of sticking to the sticking place

and my brother is casually fixing the neon

i love girls goin’ hard in trios, they can’t be stopped

nothing worse than a hot girl with a bad laugh

fathers send their daughters into the arena to stand in line and be looked at as sexual objects, chattel for a young man’s conquest. getting older is relentless and humiliating, a massacre of pride, a flood of changes you must accept; the brain shatters when it can no longer process new updates and changes

the severity of her brothers’ rage

i was just sincerely worried. i’ll be better ready to learn from my mistake tomorrow

take the risk yourself, with your own sacred relationship with the ghost of the dead banker who doles out your credit and keeps the score (on not going home if i get fired and have days and days of phone calls to make selling myself: don’t tell the boomers capitalism kills us) oh, so much we have to keep to ourselves, but any thinker alone is not alone

help while inflicted is appreciated

thought about poison

big floppy flesh in juicy shapes

my unique expression cannot kill me, only make me more drought-resistant and less toxic — will i remember fearing a loss when i wrote molly a poem letter at tiki when i saw her with guys i didn’t recognize and handed her a folded card with a message for any guys that without consent or equal participation i will make your life a living hell?

pretty girls in makeup reveal little girls
how would you treat your sisters?
crip-walk in the streets and write poetry and save all men by doing and while you do it; if you can slow down the stages

now i can go further in the picture i draw of me — drawing them instead of me is an act of love and work, divine work, God’s work; blessed with these hands to do God’s work

how i have been hungry for sex

i need to talk to you before i leave

a beautiful woman is a sign of what I haven’t gotten

Lord, send Cooper a lean team of highly accomplished revenue executives with a powerful PMF and strong competitive moat

Morning texts arrogant, bitter

That lean / lien everyone was talking about and sippin’ — green cough syrup benzamethazine or some shit, in Simply strawberry lemonade, fat blunt rolled into a backwood, what else? He had cocaine — Gian offered the interviewer cocaine; 1storypod Sean Thor Conroe out here in these streets talkin’ Vico and Italians in the shiny din of the Renaissance

greasy dealers of intimacy forbidden

it’s like loyalty dealers out here in these streets

sacred disco society
drinking lien
skateboarding beneath the capitol
luke asked what i want: seven words or less, four words if a king
even angels make mistakes

choosing blight over light since 1990

bathe under blight

show me better 280-character constructions in the english language from today:

my art has mattered too much
so if it turns out *I* matter way more
i would overheat and would not accept
consolation or reprise — reprieve, deceive
i would not like to stop analyzing and suspecting.
for the brightness of what I might be would be blinding,
I anticipate — hence, ache.

my art has mattered too much
so if it turns out *I* matter way more
i would overheat and would not accept
consolation or reprise

if I get a thunderbolt one…

shooting up the flare
to be seen again and again
pounding the zone
flooded with lovely shit

Austin continues to be a time-proof place, it is the future, bicoastal, an enriching environment in so many fields and mediums: music, art, hospitality, spirituality

is love her whole life?

this was sad news to see yesterday, and I heard it right as I was thinking of the friend who was there the first time I met her. Rereading our texts was sad and moving too; I don’t text many people who aren’t here anymore

https://www.facebook.com/829234573/posts/10161932280279574/

Erin would’ve been in the crowd wearing my jersey cheering. What’s it all for, I thought of excellence on the mound, having wrung my sweat into the dirt below the wooden rubber where my right foot goes.

And now into the dream world of simultaneity where everyone is with you, in silent idealism of constant contact. Radiohead’s Pyramid Song a testament to the night: all my lovers were there/are here with me, all my past and futures.

love, death and Austin mornings as stars rise, waking up everyone to Be God — told yesterday singing is my calling, a cantor in the Church; God’s Church, who couldn’t believe it? The priest is a role — how to be sure you aren’t adored for your looks alone

pathological altruism
suicidal altruism

good team of angels to aspire to be worthy of sitting with
fucking A what a lucky duck i am

24: audrey
34: erin
44: emmylou

it’s raining redheads with hazel eyes from new jersey who lead in local real estate whose career exploded sixth months ago and she wants a month off and has no wedding ring

you know i live to save my man some clicks

church schedule + steroids for sales reps

dragging his vainglory scepter through dust on the American road as documented in the cloud on Tumblr

Begin cooking violently, fast, genius, exacerbated historical moment; this is where the pushback unites — IN the culture war; the war is over if you/I want it. History of violence, of getting. This is the poison letched from the tree of hell, heal — why the two words go so closely together.

Louis Brantmeyer as my Azazel I bury in the huge dungeon in the desert without killing him so God can throw him in the lake of fire for eternity at The Final Judgment; I made it again, came ‘round again blessed by angels two seven-year cycles my junior and one my senior, blessed incredíble — I imagine the sounds.

My engagement with AI is mostly just LLMs without a voice, so I unironically assumed someone talking with your level of worldly awareness and rapidity was a new AI model Elon was secretly testing, something along those lines. Or that you were being puppeted by AI essentially, like some kind of possession thing lol. Sharing this with you in full honesty, because that’s not always my approach to AI, still learning.

who thinks i’m real?

fuck, met the perfect 24yo

you’re texting as you’re yesing?

it’s exciting to help troubled people

loyalty games sleep at jail

i showed my desire to step out of the jail 11:11
a soldier and a healer
disobedience to the spirit is my problem
i rejected being an artist and creator
i’ve rejected god many times and he keeps coming back here to save me from my soul’s death
i didn’t believe myself to be worthy of anything
i want to get my soul back
if you open the cage on a corpse, does the corpse
marine corps, the corps de ballet
coeur — french
cri de couer
sacre cour
fleetwood mac — never going back again

Raphael’s workday in the cloud on the street with people

Glow in the dark dried clear
as your creative director I beg for forgiveness for not reading the paint tubes
taint pubes

good morning glowing brick leading me to the next

And the angel starts to scream. Computers and loneliness are endless; am I trying to get out? I’m loud — typewriter annoying; Donna fake, selfish, neurotic — wondering what Riley and I are saying about her; loves secrecy, skull and bones societies, murder, war, genocide; my misinterpretation changes the world, I inject my spleen and semen into the world of thought via the holy word passed down. It is hard to be good; being 40 and capable is a burden; it’s easier to be dead, gone, done. Yet so much is possible; it is going to be hard carrying my brain alone; my heart is black, gold-drecked, dressed for — writing for ugly girls makes sense, less violence, less charm and defensiveness — I cease wanting things now, wanting is sick — the strong say Let me Go, Let me go, Metric the band brought Carla and I together; wringing my writing for theory to be like Robert Sapolsky talking well about Free Will to Jonathan Fields on the Good Life Project podcast, Bet! Bet on it! Let’s get rich it’s not even a thought — Dave Matthews sang, Lord, Mother of mine please don’t regret me if this gold…please redirect me from greed and envy toward divinity and calmness. Yes Donna I do talk badly about you in my words; later it will be a waste. I am my own listener and I practice and study for years on end despite the apparent impossibility ~ having a kid of my own would slow me down to stupidity, make me go slow, I can wait until I’m older. Watching kids grow up here shows me it’s arbitrary where I grew up;

bf who remembers by pictures, gf who remembers by how she felt during the conversation

when the chariots agree and the critics misunderstand
the secretary of state website for georgia
register the business as an LLC
the only erections left standing

any unsatisfied judgments or liens
prior taxes, current installment agreements with the IRS
grate, um
the current value of your business
is it the tears

i’m not even addicted to bets yet

i didn’t subscribe to her genius quarterly

the alcohol and the byproduct of my shit
open the window to the more detrimental
woman in finance gotta be abrasive

penning deity smut to pay the rent again?

Does anybody have pop up tents for vista game? I also recommend bringing chairs
I do, just need stakes or rope or something to tie it down incase it’s windy

about to go wavy and divine, talk to me before liftoff
a study of words of transition
he mistook her romance for business babble
divorced in the state’s past
that bad story
waiting for
the editors to arrive
musical wakeup

my esteemed beginners
my esteemed creamers
let’s say you won the race

he can be proud of his proximity to women

they see I play center midfield and sing J. Cole and vibe
they don’t see me disappear though
i really don’t need anything from anyone anymore,
gravity and time in my view do it all for me
held up by forces i get to rediscover anew
like all that lasts

after J. Cole — Work Out

your privacy is feelin’ yourself
and he backed off
he started at door guy and become a beast
play your position, small soldier :) yes sir…

college freshmen talk about prom night

sense of humor is serious business — that’s our sensitivity. it was tiring to get here to Monday again 8/5/24

theories of possession the daytime life can’t satisfy

a boring kind Jewish man building companies

i don’t follow her because she’s just like me
but she is my friend
she rarely suffers, she’s charmed
and i get enough charming inbound
from inside the house
these days
you can write with anyone
and you see it’s just more writing
and it’s all easy and there’s no winning
except being home and having a routine
living it and loving it
lifting it higher in images
that only draw more people
and it’s people everywhere
skating between silence and optimism
so what is marriage and monogamy?
you’re happy either way

’cause i don’t wanna do anything else, i just wanna do what i want

How intensely can you make slop; how intensely can you fling slop into the sieve or colander — see we go looking for our mother in our lover but she only loves what you enable her to do apart from her; no one loves anyone, everyone a selfish bitch — friendship is as far as we get, love is…

abundantly joyful and optimistic before i’ll learn why i’ll leave and can’t stay. this can’t be permanent; no one will meet me where i am — i went too far so must come back & accept death is a soft place; Bob Woody taught me about rain today. “Wanna see my radar?” With every cell in my body, like learning to cook ribs from a guy in a backwards baseball cap on YouTube. Sunday 8/4/24 troubled people to help

knee on the threshold
name a minor king

you give without expectation
or mindset mindset because you need patience too, and you’ve got patience you’ve got patience for sure

doom computer game shirt but it says cum

i’m wet and i wanna go back to dallas

i’ve never seen rain in august, not in texas

generally use “Lucifer” to describe him as pre-fallen, non-sinful; and “Satan” to refer to him as fallen and sinful — missing the mark; but there are no mistakes in freewill free fall

logging onto worm dance as a feeler

cadence of discretion intertwined

Exit, Voice, and Loyalty
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exit,_Voice,_and_Loyalty

she blocked a local master, being scared of his power she can’t control or reign in

vicki hileman transcript, dad’s stepsister

Geoffrey Lewis:
Hi Vicki, this is Geoffrey Lewis, Keith’s son, I hope things went well for your family in Portland ~ happy to share some of the writing and art projects I’ve done the last few years. I am in New York now for the second time
https://linktr.ee/gplewis

would be glad to hear what you re reading and thinking these days, and be a sort of magical distant correspondent you can tell things to ~ this is the essence of my encounters with people when I work as a poet performing at events with my typewriter writing haikus for guests

+1 (404) 484–6155:
Hey Geoffrey, I think the last time I saw you you were barely old enough to walk. It’s so amazing to now read your work. Your Instagram is just stunning! I love the writing,too. I didn’t know such a thing as smile existed before this, but totally loved that (fav was your cover of “follow you into the dark.” You are such a natural performer.
Don’t know how long I will be out here on west coast to take care of my brother but when I get home (westchester NY) I would love to see you perform music or poetry if you ever do it live (and if Covid ever lets us get close enough to breathe on other people again) or have an online performance I could attend.

Geoffrey Lewis:
this is so cool, thank you so much for the earnest and heartfelt reading and listening! so you’re Josephine’s daughter, meaning you’re my dad’s stepsister? i have never really thought about this ~ what was the moment when you got my dad as a stepbrother? this is fascinating! you may not have dug down that far yet but much of my writing is (as is many artists’ and writers’) about making sense of my parents, who they are, and from there figuring out who i need to be.
like, do you remember the moment you met him? what did he seem like? he’s such a good guy, gentle in a way, severe in other ways ~ we just had the occasion and good luck to spend 9 months living together at his house in Redwood City as I was between San Francisco and New York, a time i will treasure for the rest of my life.

+1 (404) 484–6155:
I did pick up on some of Those themes. As you say, I think those are the big themes for a lot of us: who are our parents really, and what does that mean for our own identity? As you may know either, Eric, Mimi, and Markie were all adopted. So the issues of identity, belonging and family, are always fascinating to me. I’m always kind of trying to figure it out what it means to belong, and how to belong, something I long for and seem to suck at.

Geoffrey Lewis:
we’re in good company
https://twitter.com/RealEmirHan/status/1283438833623797762

https://twitter.com/boluakindele/status/1489284764943237124

📚💞

+1 (404) 484–6155:
Great quotes there!
I met your dad when I was 19. I met your grandfather the same year. I was coming home on a college break to discover my mom had shacked up with some guy. Honestly they acted like teenagers. It was pretty hilarious and very sweet. I liked Rich, your grandfather, my final step father, very very much. He was very close with his kids in a way I found fascinating given what I had experienced (a really tragic figure, George Hileman, born gay into a time and world that rejected him so brutally that it twisted him up. I know it’s a big leap to assume that mental illness comes from specific issues like that of feeling rejected by the world, and I realize maybe those issues just exacerbated an underlying illness. But he was schizophrenic, or I’ve also heard the diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenic, and he was both deserving of so much sympathy, and such a figure of towering horror in my life that I am now old and I’m still dealing with it). So I would see your grandpa hugging his nearly adult kids, including Keith, who was a few years older than I was, and Greg who was just a couple years older, and Lisa and Mark to, and I just didn’t know how I could have been so wrong about what the world could be like. Keith was the big brother I’d always wanted because I was the eldest child of the four who were adopted, and also the eldest between me and the natural children of my actual adoptive father, the first husband of my adoptive mother (you’re following all of this?). I have eldest child syndrome, a malady I have made up but that seems real: I always assume I’m supposed to be in charge of everything, the problem is I don’t actually know how to do anything so also have imposter syndrome which I know a lot of people are familiar with. So it was just so wonderful they have a big brother. There were too many kids in the pack — eight if you included all of riches and all of my mom‘s. So when Rich and my mom decided to make An honest man/woman of each other and go get properly hitched, it was Keith and me they threw in the backseat as we headed up to Reno to get them married. It was such a fun trip.
(I realize I use texts the way you’re supposed to use emails, and actually I use emails the way people tell me when is supposed to use an opportunity for a Keynote address at a conference, in other words I am the queen of verbosity in all forms. Forgive me)
One more quick story: sometimes Keith and I would get into small tassels. We were both eldest children so we’re both impossibly bossy. One time I got into an argument with him and found that I was not as verbal as he was, which was kind of a surprise because I usually out argue and out verbalize everyone. So I wiggled in close and bit him on the inside of his arm, with my head in his armpit. This is a surprisingly powerful place if you need to bite someone. They don’t have enough leverage to shake you off, and I can’t really slam you because their arm isn’t in a strong position. It gave me great satisfaction to hear him squealing “Josephine! Josephine! Help!“ Of course by the time my mother got in the room I was sitting demurely acting like nothing had happened.

Geoffrey Lewis:
yes i am following, this is amazing and oh so fascinating and valuable

+1 (404) 484–6155:
And now that I’ve probably just scared you off and convinced you I’m a complete, dangerous lunatic, I should probably go back to work. I doubt your father even remembers that. My very odd sense of humor and willingness to do undignified things if it gets me what I want is such an integral part of my personality, I don’t think anyone can possibly remember or list all the strange things I’ve done.

Geoffrey Lewis:
no, no, you’re just like me, and i’m the most insane person who exists, so it’s great
and i am all for using Messages like others use email
we may be the most verbose in our weird non-family family!

+1 (404) 484–6155:
Good. Kindred souls!

Geoffrey Lewis:
my dad is a dynamic man of letters; it is fitting that a lawyer fathered a poet, i enjoy the differences in our sensibilities about order and what is good to do and what can be let go and become the possession and responsibility of chaos and stillness
> “I don’t think anyone can possibly remember or list all the strange things I’ve done”

well that is the power of writing isn’t it? we can make a version of ourselves that is objective ~ this also creates separation between the ‘me’ who did them and the ‘I’ who is sort of above and beyond all that, yet still technically responsible for it.

+1 (404) 484–6155:
Yes, it does seem fitting. And I would not be surprised if it is also slightly baffling to your dad.

Geoffrey Lewis:
https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1260273857161687040

https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1165054731305119749

yeah, he and i did not exactly get along during the times from, say, ages 26–33 when i was not traditionally, explicably employed and solvent. but now i have outlasted the doubt, and am a writer, poet, artist, etc. (at least i believe it strongly enough to keep doing it and keep living the dream rather than living the drudgery of email and talking to …safe people)
i live in danger and wonder
it is an equal and opposite reaction to my father in a sense ~ and i become the site of biology and chemistry, anthropology and differentiation…

+1 (404) 484–6155:
Quite a journey you are on, I’d say. That is fabulous.

Geoffrey Lewis:
So you weren’t adopted but Eric, Mimi, and Markie were? and George was your stepfather you grew up with, and your siblings had more experience with the next one? How much older are you than your siblings? this is all so juicy and worth understanding

my mom remembers you — she raises pygmy goats in Sebastopol now

+1 (404) 484–6155:
I am adopted. My adoptive father was Jim Armour. I was adopted at about age 3. Was a famous NY baby — my case went to the U.S. Supreme Court. My real name (original name) is Heather Mulhall. My adoptive parents wanted the experience of having a kid as if it was their bio kid, so renamed me (um…. Confusing much to a traumatized kid?). That family split up when I was 4. I went with my adoptive mom to California when I was six. She had left for the summer, leaving me with her parents in upstate NY. She came back announcing she’d fallen in love and ws moving to CA to get married again. She married George. Together they adopted 3 more kids: Eric, Mimi, Mark. That’s why my name is Vicki Armour-Hileman, Eric and Mark are Hilemans, and Mimi took Lewis as her hyphenated last name. George didn’t adopt me — I kept my old dad, but only saw him once a year at most, but it was confusing to have kids with different last names when we went to doctors, etc., so as a child I got hyphenated.

Geoffrey Lewis:
i am pretty good with large amounts of information so keep it all coming 😃 i can and will reread this all several times to make sure i get it

+1 (404) 484–6155:
I’m 8 years older than Eric. 10 years older than Mimi. 11 years older than Mark, who died at age 32.

Geoffrey Lewis:
this is about as juicy as my great-grandfather Vasco Machado also known as Slim Lewis, who we think was the illegitimate child of the parish priest in the Azores Islands off Portugal and his mother was married off to a dairy farmer in Vallejo, and that’s how we came to California ~ though it was Luiz somewhere in there that he Americanized (Anglicized?) to Lewis

+1 (404) 484–6155:
And speaking of sibs, I need to get on the shuttle to go see Eric. (I spend mornings in the lodge at zoom meetings and working on documents with occasional breaks to talk to step nephews apparently — is that a thing, step-nephew?) and then I go to the hospital in the afternoon.
Oh I LOVE that!
Great lineage there!

Geoffrey Lewis:
https://twitter.com/DuganAmanda/status/1026959927636582400

now there is an artist and filmmaker who had no fear
https://www.instagram.com/p/CWi4Fb4Pbu9/

all the writing, singing and photography may be leading to acting and filmmaking. because it scares me i have to do it
that is the pain of this job of being a real good and great one, if that is indeed my fate: having to do what you don’t want to have to do
i have become the boss i so ardently escaped.
https://twitter.com/YahiaLababidi/status/1107651871357968385

the pleasure and the only way to survive this life, of course, is to meet people who are as crazy as you are, and keep going together through the muck
so fun to reread these messages! so great to connect with you
Laughing rereading your messages! So good, thank you again.

Geoffrey Lewis

+1 (404) 484–6155:
One more quick story: sometimes Keith and I would get into small tassels. We were both eldest children so we’re both impossibly bossy. One time I got into an argument with him and found that I was not as verbal as he was, which was kind of a surprise because I usually out argue and out verbalize everyone. So I wiggled in close and bit him on the inside of his arm, with my head in his armpit. This is a surprisingly powerful place if you need to bite someone. They don’t have enough leverage to shake you off, and I can’t really slam you because their arm isn’t in a strong position. It gave me great satisfaction to hear him squealing “Josephine! Josephine! Help!“ Of course by the time my mother got in the room I was sitting demurely acting like nothing had happened.

Geoffrey Lewis:
taking notes: bite under the arm

crate radar bouncing drugs

cobras bounce the radar jamming off concrete plotted securely by heavenly bodies her lonesome need for moolah; he picked up the master’s tools — dismantle the master’s house Run from your Father’s house Record the Streets of foreign soil — could be Greece Travel is Insane 2 much New This Enough

nibble beneath flesh it’s the same blood
tantalus like mercury

alone i contemplate the fact i might leave
departure looms as a heavy pear threat
weighing branches down

TONIGHT

I think you should
experiment
with vanity

don’t finish bad food
to be polite

read minds
cause anyone

can.

learn
from children
and monsters

learn
from the mirror

you’re a
monster.

stare
into the dark
crack
between
2
buildings

and
don’t
jump

see
that you are fragile

be easy
because nothing

is.

be nice
to common
angels.

be nice
to geniuses
who are nice.

just lean
into the light
of their
hair

lean your whole body
into the light
of freaks

into your own freaky light.

keep saying the thing
in your head

watch your words

understand that they are wolves
in the night

you are a wolf
tonight.

watch the snow

remember how easy it is
to kill people

you are a wolf
you can kill people

so don’t.

think about what you live
for

pancakes
rock n’ roll

I mean
if you live
another day
you can have
breakfast

again

put your face
to the stereo

it’s a seashell
that
pink.

watch everything
like a scholar

watch your lover sleep
like a scholar

beat narcissism
with a kiss

beat narcissism

just
shut the fuck up
sometimes.

pee a heart
in the snow

write on the air
write what you

know.

you think you want your life
to be easy

you don’t.

take this
your youth

the beefiest apple

don’t pretend not to care
everyone knows

when you care.

don’t pretend
the sunset
doesn’t
suck your

dick.

don’t you know
the night
is open
for a wolf

like you

look how the
moonlight pools
in the black
of your eye

look how hot you are
saying nothing

saying hi.

just be your own
baby

tonight

be like an
egg.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry
all that bad stuff
happened to you.

I’m sorry you
looked at
yourself
and saw

a toilet.

I’m sorry
America

is a toilet.

let’s take it all
like money
in the street

poetry
and the internet

tap water in a glass

your youth

the youth
of your whole life.

you think
you want everything

you think everything
is something

to have.

you think
the night
can hurt you

it might.

you think
so much

at night.

I love when we just
sit around

minutes
their caviar shape

maybe this is gross
but I love that you think
you’re stupid.

you’re not stupid.

the ocean is as beautiful
as they say
and chocolate
as sweet

you had to laugh
at the ocean
first

you had to hate it
the thing
that you

love.

just go. I’ll go
with you.

become obsessed with minutes
they live
to die

like you.

become obsessed with
this

youth

that
opens

like a can

become obsessed
with minutes
they are a guy

like you.

they live to die like you.

it’s day 1

our barkers are more funny than annoying

sizes is all men know

impede the lemon thief

her viking vessel in the pride parade

trying to boil the beam to stay integriful
bitches asking what i mean
i stay on thatness

I really don’t know. Don’t know what I’m gonna find in my phone and privacy. Is that place before you know what people think of you because I imagine there’s a lot of screaming and a lot of projecting toward me and a lot of positivity for me and negative activity toward me and I gotta find my tremor every day.

and over and over in another woman’s voice

“highly disrespectful and really confusing,” the only writer and 🥂 door guy on a sandlot baseball team who sings on @smule, endurance architect @gplewis 🤿

i am as annoying as a woman
molly whispered how i insulted her by handing her the broom staff to turn on the TVs as if she didn’t know how to

engaging the people i was afraid to be rejected by
and making new such figments
in my digital schematic imagination
doing all the write things
underwater
and above? never better
and you/anyone is free to hate it or love it
and i don’t care, i can use both

ever hotter degrees of self-promotion

someone else to rest my myth making

leave the claims questioned
the backlog grows

Young messiah archangel proving ground: hit the bricks, small soldier; be a minor king listener to the four block stretch YES four-block wingspan from Brazos (ARMS) to RED RIVER (Plaza de Armas)

queen bitch
https://www.instagram.com/p/C66ZcjOOr1j/

actually pretty mean and average on camera
she did not go into the arts
no romance, no flow in her chart
all domination and control
she’s ready to be made a woman

hmm
https://www.instagram.com/kattylonglegs/

have you ever had your pussy wage.
eaten from behind in pale moonlight
not good just weird

social media traveling residency

i will out-GM you and fucking fire you, Alexander of New York who does not represent the great State

she’s anxious for some reason she’s about to look up her dream. She wanted to see a man fall off the ladder across the street because she wanted some action she was hungry and then when another man betrayed her and ghosted her, she wanted to throw up all of her insides all things and I almost said there’s a lot of salty juicy bits in there that aren’t all bad.

we could use four more little plastic cups where lime wedges and wheels go

the mop bucket just lost a screw on the handle you pull toward yourself to wring, could use a look (i kept the screw in a water bottle cap at the bottom of the leg of the dump sink in the store room)

we’re cookin’ so far at happy hour! party of eight ladies came off the pedal party tram

eyes burning too loud

they won’t come grab your pages
you must put them in their hands

the bells and dahlias tied with the weight within

see you next doomsday
girls
have nothing
to do but be known
tracked
hunted prey like
me broken and confused
born bearing berth
girth — No
not her, she need not bear
measurement competitions
for she is the ruler

how to not wound.

professionally slaughtered by the Queen — heartfelt
8/2/24 Figure 8 Coffee Purveyors
in the purview (pervert’s vue [due]) of wild rapture
spark

his tech ops planning huddle got me dizzy with foreign spaceship envy

the father remains the distance
then a telemarket scam calls
and i am impervious
rewatch my story to stay grounded
fleeting dancing like yesterday’s bonanza of real possibility
god is a man
i can only hope her heroism is sung
to her at night as lullaby
fairy tale
working with farmers
beneath god’s green aegis of money gaze
gays love instagram
it’s easy to be loved
like a mother
who’d never think of
margin like the boy’s
father

writer talker listener — deep man of silence — door guy and poet @buckshotatx, RHP and social @redonionsbaseball, 8k music videos @smule, author 😛🧐🥳🥸😌

she slayed the whole hog of me
to be re-fleshed anew
restrung like a mitt or raquet
racked tourney
tourniquet i meant Cobras’ black and white
representing home away from home at home
on the field indoctrinated and letting loose

no numbers to start a new doc, only letters
Greek houses the old souls
skull and bones societies; boys need a mysterious god they are unworthy of
2006 what happened there
fall 2006 29 actives recruited a glorious pledge class
beta basketball champions
alley test
roof sessions
overlooking Strathmore and Gayley
Hitch Suites at UCLA
the furthest student at school, my roommate Rob

you get to decide all over again who to love now knowing slowness and repetition

turning off the internet is wild